we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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