Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
