Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize