Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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