he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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