tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
