the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize