The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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