Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
what day is it and did you see me today?
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
