the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
