So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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