Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
