Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
