Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
