So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
