I think im going to throw up on grandma
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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