You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
