Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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