phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Randomize
