u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
