I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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