My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
