There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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