I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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