Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
