i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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