dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Randomize