if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
