idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize