listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
