im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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