I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
