Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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