yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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