I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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