the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
You ruined the universe
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
