you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Randomize
