I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
