I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
