Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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