At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
