Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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