I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
false alarm. still invincible.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize