It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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