I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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