tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
bring money and cleavage
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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