i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
