Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
