I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
