woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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