I think my fart just growled at me.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Randomize
