Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize