so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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