The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
