Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
