Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize