I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
