I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
