I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
