Capitaan dildo arrescate!
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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