i jhust puked up my retainher.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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