I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
