My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
